I often sit back & wonder: "Is this really ME?!" I mean, I was never the type to settle down. I was never the type to "sit still" so to speak. Motherhood, long term relationships, monogamy...none of this was for me. Have I lost myself for the sake of my child and a family? Is that motherhood? I'm assuming it is. I can't be the real me & a mom at the same time. It just isn't possible. I have more things in life to worry about than a party, buddy, or sleeping in all day long. My life now consists of worry about poopy diapers, piles of laundry, a sink full of dishes, and nap times.
I was doing so good, for almost two years, with suppressing the old me. But, I can feel myself wanting to break out. Granted, I don't want to go out and get trashed at a party, crawling in the front door at three or four in the morning, or sleeping with every John, Bob, or Billy on the block. But I just need some
me time. Is that too much to ask? Just five freaking minutes where I can sit back & not be "Blaine's mom", I can be "Sasha". I wonder if when Blaine starts school & I go back to work if my name tag, or whatever, will read "Blaine's Momma". Lame-o.
I just want to feel like a human being again. Not like a robot, doing the same thing, all day, everyday. Granted, I
LOVE having Blaine on a schedule. Knowing what time he's going to get up, eat, bathe, nap, and go to sleep. But I would just like to have a spark of spontaneity in my day. In my life period. I LOVE my child. I love having the option to stay home with him. I love my family, couldn't imagine being without them now. I just need a moment of me.
Eh. None of this makes sense. =\
